Lessons in SchweetSchnitzelling

Remember colon Blow cereal on SNL? That was funkin hillari-dong.

OK, I've got a little language lesson for everyone.

The word 'Hillarious' is more funnier when I say Hillari-dong.

Here are some other words that you can say around friends to sound like
you know sweet modern slang:
Sweetscnitzel
Killadilla
Funkalipsmack
Donkey Punch-dong
Wanka-shank-dank.

OK, now hear this... I wanka-shank-danked a Killadilla sweetschnitzel
that funkalipsmacked my donkey-punchin-dong..

Translation?

I took a mean shit that splashed back and hit me in the bellend.

What's a bellend? Ask Ali G - it's what he uses when he does all that
knobbin' at the Porn convention in Cannes.
-Dumpstin

Brown in yer eye

I'm experimenting with new and unique ways to photograph my dumps.
Being a shit photographer, every day that I'm at a shit shoot means the
possibility of interfacing with feces and maybe even getting a little
skidmark on the lens.

This dump inspired me to really get up close and into the bowl in a way
I hadn't before. I developed a novel idea - a nutsack rig - to get the
camera as close to the dump without actually touching it. The nutsack
has always been renowned for its ability to get down close to the water
without actually touching it. I leveraged the nutsack's unique ability
and captured this amazing photo. I hope you can really appreciate the
dynamic effort that it took for my nuts to make this happen.

-dumpstin

Dumpstin's Classic Brownie Recipe

Just took a classique shit here at corner bakery.

What's a classic shit for Dumpstin you ask?

-Build a nest
-sit down
-deep breath, exhale
-pop a few brownies out of the oven
-1 wiper (could have gone no-wiper, but it's a safety check)

Latron,
Dumpstin

WWDD?

Ever been in this situation?

A friend has you over for a dinner party
The food looks killer
You've been eating and drinking all day
And now mostacolli & polenta???

There's just no room.

What would Dumpstin Do? (WWDD?)

Here's what Dumpstin DID:
Wait until you feel like you can shit pretty quick - wait until right
before people fill their plates - Tell em you're gonna go in the
bathroom and wash your hands for the meal. But instead, pop a few caps
out yo ass. Oh, and leave the water running so it sounds like you're
just being extra clean guy.

Remember to ask yourself - WWDD?

The Dumping Point

Life can be frustrating... You can't seem to find your soulmate and your
job is going nowhere, you're sitting on the toilet trying to have all
that you want for yourself... But you can't even seem to get the shit
out. You're 20 minutes into it and your bowels just seem to be asleep.

That's what happened to me today - waiting and waiting - until finally,
I got my shit together and my bowels effortly produced the array of
human waste that you see here. What happened? For 20 minutes nothing
was happening and then suddenly, everything happened in an instant... I
like to call it "The Dumping Point".

You'll see The Dumping Point phenomenon in several other areas of your
life... In the physical world, flowers bloom, baby chicks hatch, and
matches ignite - all in a moment when everything has gotten its shit
together.

When there is just enough heat, the match will explode into flame and
your match will be lit. Dumping, your love life, and your career behave
in much the same way. So be patient... Your soulmate will appear, your
career will take off, and your shits will eject. It just takes a little
patience and sometimes it helps to bend over a little bit, grunt, and if
you're really desparate, tickle the ol' browneye - that's all part of
helping your body get its shit together.

Happy Blatting!
Dumpstin
Dustin
Tel: 773-727-3743

Los 3 Amigos

Ladies and gentledumps, let me introduce Gordo, Flaco & Paco three of my
friends who are a shade browner than the rest.

Paco, Flaco & Gordo just got done completing a weeklong expedition
through my excretory system - and they have much to report. We've
arranged for a 3rd party to find out more:

Interviewer: "Gentledumps, please tell us what you found"

Paco: It stinks in there, man... (Paco sniffles)

Gordo: Yeah man gas was passing by like all the time, man... Totally
stinky & shitty in there man.

Flaco: And his asshair is all singed & burnt cause he lights that gas
on freakin fire man... He's sick man. I'm telling you, man - he lights
his ass on fire - he's crazy

Gordo: That's the last time I check on his crap factory man, it's all
hot and stinky... Forget that crap, man

Paco: Yean man, just flush us and get us out of here.. I don't want his
asshairs to fall on me or something man...

"Well, there you have it folks - reporting live from Dumpstin's toilet,
I'm Tommy Toiletseat"

WTF Am I Doing???

I just realized that I take fucking pictures of my own shits... This is
ridiculous... AND, I call myself Dumpstin. WTF???

Dump of O'Ryan

It's conceivable that constellations and their relative positions in the
night sky determine the size and shape of our dump for the next day...

Much like a Horoscope, this "Hole-o-Scope" would determine the
frequency, size, shape and smell of our shits and would be able to
effectively predict when someone born on, let's say January 10th, would
plug a toilet.

***In other news, Dumpstin Biosciences, LLC has completed the mapping of
the "Shit Gene" sequence of the human genome.***

Anyway, in my Hole-O-scope of today, I created a whole new galaxy...
check out my Chocolate Milky Way.

Dumpstin

Front row Seating

So, from the pic, this dump is about as lame as it gets... But it really
isn't that bad. It's not huge, but the toilet DID choke on this puppy a
little bit.

One of my favorite things to do in life is to show others my craps -
face-to-face. Show and Smell (tm) time is great. People file in to see
with their shirt pulled over they faces so they don't burn they lungs.
Sometimes, there isn't anyone to see it. The neighbors aren't home :(
I'll wait a little while for the mailman, but I don't want to wait all
day just to show him an old melted shit... That's always a bumout.
People like it FRESH!!!

It must be nice to be Mrs. Dumpstin, because she gets to see my craps
face-to-face more than anyone. AND she likes it.

Here's a shot of Mrs. D givin' the thumbs up to her ol' Dumpstin's shit
o' the day.

WHAT THE??? HELLO!!! thanks for the courtesy wipe, Mrs D!

Mixmaster Pee (collaboration w/ Dumpstin)

So I'm chillin' like a pimp - full ass on the seat

Aint puttin paper down, sheat, my toilet's neat

I'm obviously white
But my shit's brown as hell

Don't diss the dumpstin
If you don't like the smell

I'll tell you a story,
I'll give you the scoop

Just please a-presh-e-ate my ginormous poop
Dumpstin

(P.s. - check this pic of ma poop - it looks like Dumpstin on the mic -
see the little mic?)